ScrapSayings, Sarcastic

  • AAAAA American Association Against Acronym Abuse

  • Advise is cheap! … supply always exceeds demand.

  • Answers Cost $.50
    Answers that require thought $1.00
    Right answers $100.00
    Dumb looks are free!

  • Another day's useless energy spent. - Moody Blues, Nights in White Satin

  • Any minute now I'll jump in with pointless observations

  • Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination. - Mark Twain

  • Are you a bad side effect of my medication?

  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  • As a matter of fact I did sleep in these clothes.

  • At 20 years of age the WILL reigns, at 30 the WIT, and at 40 the JUDGEMENT. - Benjamin Franklin

  • At my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot.

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  • Be nice or I'll have to talk about you when I'm on Oprah!

  • The beaten path is the safest, but the traffic is terrible.
    - Jeff Taylor (founder of Monster.com)

  • Been there, done that, let's move on

  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

  • Better to get forgiveness than permission

  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  • A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
    -A billion seconds ago it was 1960.
    -A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive
    -A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
    -A billion dollars only lasts 5 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends it.

  • Birds of a feather flock together; especially when they are dive bombing your car.

  • Boldly going nowhere!

  • By the time I could talk … I was ordered to listen. - Cat Stevens

  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

  • A cluttered desk is a sign of genius. A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind.

  • Careful or you'll end up in my novel.

  • Careful or I'll be complaining about you on Oprah.

  • Children is the gift God gives you, then he steps back and laughs.

  • Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. - Peter Ustinov

  • Danger: Men thinking

  • Dangerously Overeducated

  • Dare to be indifferent.

  • Dear Dorothy,
    Hate Oz!! Took the shoes!
    Find your own way home!!!!
    -- Toto

  • Dear Lord, so far I am doing all right. Today, I have NOT gossiped, yelled, been greedy, selfish, or self indulgent. I have NOT whined, complained, moaned, or binged on chocolate or junk food. I have charged nothing on my credit cards. I am going to get out of bed now Lord, and I will need your help to get through the rest of the day!

  • Desperately Searching For My Next Enabler

  • Did you ever notice: When you put The and IRS together it spells Theirs?

  • Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

  • DNA is life … the rest is just matter.

  • Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful OZ!

  • Do you realize that in forty years we will have a bunch of old ladies with tattoos and the RAP will be playing on the Golden Oldies station. There is already a bunch of Grandma Tiffany's and Grandma Heather's. Soon we will have Grandma Moesha's, and Grandma Shaquanda's.

  • Don't get your knickers in a twist.

  • Don't get your tinsel in a tangle.

  • Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself.

  • Don't let your mind wander … it's too small to be out on it's own.

  • Don't like my attitude

  • Don't make me call out the flying monkeys! - Wizard of Oz reference

  • Don't make me go all NINJA on you!

  • Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz

  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  • Easily distracted by shinny objects.

  • Empty Promises, Calculated Betrayal, Sociopathic Greed, Just Another Monday

  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

  • Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.

  • A female president would be a good idea if you wanted the country to be run right for some reason.

  • Fred Astaire was great, but Ginger Rogers did everything he did, backwards, and in high heels.

  • Future benefits result from hard work
    Laziness has immediate results today.

  • Give a man an inch and he'll think he's a ruler.

  • Go the distance!

  • God blesses this house but he doesn't clean it.

  • God has a plan for us all; the devil has better perks.

  • Gone CRAZY! Be Back Soon.

  • Good morning, let the stress begin.

  • Good Morning! This is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I don't want you to worry; so have a good day!!

  • Got my coffee, Got my junk food, Got my computer, and took my prozak; this should be a great day!

  • Happiness is… having a large, loving, close knit family, in another state!

  • Having a bad hair day???

  • He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr

  • He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill

  • He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde

  • He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright

  • He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson

  • He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. H. H. Munro

  • He isn't on his way anywhere, hasn't been for years. - Father Goose (movie)

  • Heavily medicated for your safety.

  • Hukt awn fonix wurkt fur mee!

  • How can I be overdrawn? I still have checks!

  • I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. - Pirates of the Caribbean

  • I am soooo not listening.

  • I child proofed my home, but somehow they keep getting in!

  • I did the math and I'm still confused.

  • I didn't order this/that!

  • I do not exercise because it would make my coffee spill.

  • I don't do mornings

  • I don't need your insults… I get them at home.

  • I don't remember anyone saying, "Gee, that sounds like a great idea, but let's run it passed a 15 year old first."

  • I had some words with my wife - she had some paragraphs with me!

  • I hate those construction barrels; they keep getting stuck under my car.

  • I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two men are called a law firm, and that three or more are called a congress.
    - John Adams in the musical 1776

  • I have no idea what I am doing out of bed.

  • I haven't been quite right since they took my blankie away.

  • I haven't had my coffee yet … you should think twice before asking any favors.

  • I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on a disk somewhere!

  • I just want to know who keeps hiding my glasses and my car keys?

  • I need a life couch … life is just not working for me.

  • I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are; eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. --- Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

  • I take life with a grain of salt… A wedge of lime and a shot of Tequila.

  • I use to care but I take a pill for that now.

  • I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilized music in the world. - Peter Ustinov

  • I wasn't born a princess, but if the Tiara fits?

  • I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.

  • I'd love to help you out! Which way did you come in?!

  • I'd rather be in my pajamas!

  • I'll give you something to talk about.

  • I'll try to be nicer … if you try to be smarter.

  • I'm a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll world.

  • I'm going to have a heart attack and die from that surprise! - Iago, from Disney's Aladdin

  • I'm hovering like a fly, waiting for the windshield on the freeway. - Genesis, The Lamb Lies down

  • I'm not a NAG … I'm a motivational speaker!

  • I'm not always right … but I'm NEVER wrong

  • I'm not anti-social … I'm just not user friendly.

  • I'm not Bossy; I just know what everyone should be doing.

  • I'm not driving badly … I'm just multi tasking.

  • I'm not in denial!

  • I'm polysyllabic in a monosyllabic world.

  • I'm Right! He's Wrong! End of Story!!!

  • I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. - Mitch Hedberg

  • I'm so far behind; I won't be able to die for another 100 years.

  • I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?

  • I've been a bad, bad boy. No use sayin' sorry, It's something that I enjoy.
    - Ozzy Osbourne, Flying High Again
    Someone finishing the last of the cookies

  • I've got vision, and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals. - Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

  • I've got more issues than a magazine.

  • I've never felt any better glued together.

  • I've stopped listening … Why haven't you stopped talking??

  • If common sense is so common, why is there so little of it? - Mark Twain

  • If I can't fix it … it must NOT be broken!

  • If the speed of sound is 1,130 feet per second, then what is the speed of silence?

  • If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done. - Peter Ustinov

  • If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research! - Albert Einstein

  • If you are taking a road trip remember - It's not the destination but the journey with screaming kids in the back that will drive you crazy.

  • If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

  • If you need me I'll be right here on my pedistal!

  • If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

  • If I had only listened to what my mother tried to tell me all those years ago!!
    Why, What did she tell you?
    I don't know!! I didn't listen!!! - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

  • If you are grouchy, irritable, annoying, or just plain mean, there will be a $10 charge given to those who have to put up with you.

  • In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. - Yogi Berra

  • In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
    - falsely attributed to Ben Franklin; author unknown.

  • Insanity is inherited - you get it from your children.

  • Insufficient memory at this time.

  • It is what it is. (Unless, of course, it isn't)

  • It takes a village … to keep an eye on my kids / to keep my kids in line.

  • It took way more than a village to raise this kid!

  • It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word!
    Andrew Jackson

  • It's not nagging when I'm ALWAYS RIGHT.

  • It's not the weekend unless there's conflict!

  • It's so exhausting being fabulous!

  • It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future. - Yogi Berra

  • It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

  • The JOYS of parenthood? (or is that an oxi-moron)

  • Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

  • Just a few clowns short of a circus.

  • Just be happy I'm not a twin!

  • Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

  • The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

  • Keep filling that cake/pie hole.

  • Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me… you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!

  • Let's hope intelligent life exists in space. I'm so lonely here.

  • Life is all about how you handle plan B.

  • Life is too short to wear panty hose.

  • Life is too short to worry about how short life is.

  • Life is tough, but it's tougher when your stupid.

  • Life's not fair … get used to it.

  • A legend in his own mind.

  • Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

  • Money doesn't buy class.

  • My doctor says I'm in the first stages of Fossilization.

  • National Sarcastic Society - like we really need your support!

  • Never go to bed mad. Stay a wake to plot your revenge!!

  • Never miss a good chance to SHUT UP!

  • No matter how overcast the day, there's always room for one more black cloud.

  • Nobody gets in to see the wizard; not nobody; not no how!

  • Nobody notices what I do … until I don't do it.

  • Normal around here is just a setting on the dryer.

  • Not Perfect … but so close it scares me.

  • Obey Gravity - It's the LAW!

  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight; because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

  • One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers

  • One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them

  • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

  • Optimist: The glass is HALF full!
    Pessimist: The glass is HALF empty!
    Engineer: The glass is TWICE the size it needs to be!

  • A penny saved is a government oversight.

  • People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. - David H. Comins

  • Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.

  • Please Go Fascinate Someone Else!

  • PMS means purchase more shoes.

  • The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. - Ann Landers

  • Professional Critic

  • Remember, to the outside world we are a normal family.

  • Sanity is on back order… Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.

  • Sarcasm: just one more service I render.

  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

  • Speak the truth but leave immediately afterward.

  • A simple way to measure a country is to look at how many want in … and how many want out. - Tony Blair (b. 1953 Prime Minister of England)

  • Slightly used, but in good condition

  • Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some hire PR officers. - Daniel J. Boorstin

  • Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

  • Some day my ship will come in. I'm sure I'll be waiting at the airport.

  • Some days are a total waste of makeup.

  • Some days you are the top dog and other days you're the hydrant.

  • Some drink at the fountain of knowledge… others just gargle

  • Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. - George Carlin

  • Some see the glass as half empty; others see the glass as half full. I just want to know who is drinking my drink/beer?!

  • Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

  • SS-DD → same stuff [usually an (sh…) expletive] different day
    SD- DS → same day - different stuff

  • A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of. - Burt Bacharach

  • Tell us what you really think!

  • There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it …
    For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

  • There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist - Mark Twain

  • There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

  • They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed

  • This job is a test. It is only a test. Had It been an actual job, you would have received bonuses, raises, and promotions.

  • Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

  • Too much month at the end of the money

  • Too much time on my hands.

  • The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

  • Use the best: Linux for servers * Mac for graphics * Palm for mobility * Windows for solitaire

  • Viewer discretion advised.

  • Was your head with you all day today? - Bill Cosby

  • We can't all be heroes… Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as the parade goes by. - Will Rogers

  • We're all quite mad here… you'll fit right in.

  • We're off like a herd of turtle.

  • Well, aren't we just a stinkin' ray of sunshine!

  • Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

  • What a day/month/year I am having!

  • What's it to ya?
    The What's it to Ya Chorus, by Bob Rivers, a parody of The Hallelujah Chorus, is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Too bad I can't (legally) offer you a free download.

  • What ever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed!

  • What part of Y'all Don't you Understand??

  • What Washington needs is adult supervision. - Barack Obama

  • What we need is a patch for human stupidity.

  • What WERE you thinking/smoking???

  • When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, It's a wonder I can think at all. - Paul Simon Kodachrome

  • When I want your opinion … I will give it to you.

  • When I want your opinion … I'll rattle your cage.

  • When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra

  • Whoop the fricken do! A mix of whoop-di-do and who cares.
    I first saw this on a satirical birthday card. "Ok, it's your birthday. Whoop the fricken do."

  • Why be only difficult, with a little effort you can be impossible.

  • Windows Tech Support: 1) Restart Program 2) Reboot computer 3) Reinstall Windows 4) Buy a new computer 5) Install Linux!

  • Working hard, or hardly working? (man lying on the couch or hammock)

  • The world would be a better place were there not so many people striving to improve it. - Olavo de Carvalho

  • Ya Think?!?!?!

  • Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. - Winston Churchill

  • You can agree with me or you can be wrong!

  • You can't stay young forever, But you can be immature for the rest of your life.

  • You don't have to say that I am right, it is enough to say that I have spoken.

  • You must understand … there are some things that you will NEVER understand.

  • You shouldn't compare yourself to others … they are more screwed up than you think.

  • You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.

  • You've got to be kidding!

  • Your choice to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

  • Your credit score: Those three little numbers … can have a six-digit impact on your life.
    - Phil Tirone, an expert in residential home financing