AAAAA American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Advise is cheap! … supply always exceeds demand.
Answers Cost $.50
Answers that require thought $1.00
Right answers $100.00
Dumb looks are free!
Another day's useless energy spent.
- Moody Blues, Nights in White Satin
Any minute now I'll jump in with pointless observations
Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
- Mark Twain
Are you a bad side effect of my medication?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As a matter of fact I did sleep in these clothes.
At 20 years of age the WILL reigns, at 30 the WIT, and at 40 the JUDGEMENT.
- Benjamin Franklin
At my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Be nice or I'll have to talk about you when I'm on Oprah!
The beaten path is the safest, but the traffic is terrible.
- Jeff Taylor (founder of Monster.com)
Been there, done that, let's move on
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Better to get forgiveness than permission
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into
perspective in one of its releases:
-A billion seconds ago it was 1960.
-A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive
-A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
-A billion dollars only lasts 5 hours and 20 minutes
at the rate Washington spends it.
Birds of a feather flock together;
especially when they are dive bombing your car.
Boldly going nowhere!
By the time I could talk … I was ordered to listen.
- Cat Stevens
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
A cluttered desk is a sign of genius. A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind.
Careful or you'll end up in my novel.
Careful or I'll be complaining about you on Oprah.
Children is the gift God gives you, then he steps back and laughs.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov
Danger: Men thinking
Dare to be indifferent.
Hate Oz!! Took the shoes!
Find your own way home!!!!
Dear Lord, so far I am doing all right.
Today, I have NOT gossiped, yelled, been greedy, selfish, or self indulgent.
I have NOT whined, complained, moaned, or binged on chocolate or junk food.
I have charged nothing on my credit cards.
I am going to get out of bed now Lord,
and I will need your help to get through the rest of the day!
Desperately Searching For My Next Enabler
Did you ever notice: When you put The and IRS together it spells Theirs?
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
DNA is life … the rest is just matter.
Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful OZ!
Do you realize that in forty years we will have a bunch of old ladies with
tattoos and the RAP will be playing on the Golden Oldies station.
There is already a bunch of Grandma Tiffany's and Grandma Heather's.
Soon we will have Grandma Moesha's, and Grandma Shaquanda's.
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
Don't get your tinsel in a tangle.
Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself.
Don't let your mind wander … it's too small to be out on it's own.
Don't like my attitude
Don't make me call out the flying monkeys!
- Wizard of Oz
Don't make me go all NINJA on you!
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles Schultz
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Easily distracted by shinny objects.
Empty Promises, Calculated Betrayal, Sociopathic Greed, Just Another Monday
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
A female president would be a good idea if you wanted the country to be run
right for some reason.
Fred Astaire was great, but Ginger Rogers did everything he did,
backwards, and in high heels.
Future benefits result from hard work
Laziness has immediate results today.
Give a man an inch and he'll think he's a ruler.
Go the distance!
God blesses this house but he doesn't clean it.
God has a plan for us all; the devil has better perks.
Gone CRAZY! Be Back Soon.
Good morning, let the stress begin.
Good Morning! This is God. I will be handling all your problems today.
I don't want you to worry; so have a good day!!
Got my coffee, Got my junk food, Got my computer, and took my prozak;
this should be a great day!
Happiness is… having a large, loving, close knit family, in another state!
Having a bad hair day???
He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- John Bright
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
- Samuel Johnson
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
H. H. Munro
He isn't on his way anywhere, hasn't been for years.
- Father Goose (movie)
Heavily medicated for your safety.
Hukt awn fonix wurkt fur mee!
How can I be overdrawn? I still have checks!
I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
- Pirates of the Caribbean
I am soooo not listening.
I child proofed my home, but somehow they keep getting in!
I did the math and I'm still confused.
I didn't order this/that!
I do not exercise because it would make my coffee spill.
I don't do mornings
I don't need your insults… I get them at home.
I don't remember anyone saying, "Gee, that sounds like a great idea,
but let's run it passed a 15 year old first."
I had some words with my wife - she had some paragraphs with me!
I hate those construction barrels; they keep getting stuck under my car.
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace,
that two men are called a law firm, and that three or more are called a congress.
- John Adams in the musical 1776
I have no idea what I am doing out of bed.
I haven't been quite right since they took my blankie away.
I haven't had my coffee yet …
you should think twice before asking any favors.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on a disk somewhere!
I just want to know who keeps hiding my glasses and my car keys?
I need a life couch … life is just not working for me.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are;
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. --- Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day.
I take life with a grain of salt…
A wedge of lime and a shot of Tequila.
I use to care but I take a pill for that now.
I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter,
the sound of which has always seemed to me the most civilized music in the world.
- Peter Ustinov
I wasn't born a princess, but if the Tiara fits?
I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.
I'd love to help you out!
Which way did you come in?!
I'd rather be in my pajamas!
I'll give you something to talk about.
I'll try to be nicer … if you try to be smarter.
I'm a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll world.
I'm going to have a heart attack and die from that surprise!
- Iago, from Disney's Aladdin
I'm hovering like a fly, waiting for the windshield on the freeway.
- Genesis, The Lamb Lies down
I'm not a NAG … I'm a motivational speaker!
I'm not always right … but I'm NEVER wrong
I'm not anti-social … I'm just not user friendly.
I'm not Bossy; I just know what everyone should be doing.
I'm not driving badly … I'm just multi tasking.
I'm not in denial!
I'm polysyllabic in a monosyllabic world.
I'm Right! He's Wrong! End of Story!!!
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going
and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg
I'm so far behind; I won't be able to die for another 100 years.
I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?
I've been a bad, bad boy.
No use sayin' sorry,
It's something that I enjoy.
- Ozzy Osbourne,
Flying High Again
Someone finishing the last of the cookies
I've got vision, and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals.
- Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
I've got more issues than a magazine.
I've never felt any better glued together.
I've stopped listening … Why haven't you stopped talking??
If common sense is so common, why is there so little of it?
- Mark Twain
If I can't fix it … it must NOT be broken!
If the speed of sound is 1,130 feet per second,
then what is the speed of silence?
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an
expert saying it can't be done.
- Peter Ustinov
If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research!
- Albert Einstein
If you are taking a road trip remember -
It's not the destination but the journey with screaming kids in the back that
will drive you crazy.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
If you need me I'll be right here on my pedistal!
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
If I had only listened to what my mother tried to tell me all those years ago!!
Why, What did she tell you?
I don't know!! I didn't listen!!!
- Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
If you are grouchy, irritable, annoying, or just plain mean,
there will be a $10 charge given to those who have to put up with you.
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
- Yogi Berra
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
- falsely attributed to Ben Franklin; author unknown.
Insanity is inherited - you get it from your children.
Insufficient memory at this time.
It is what it is. (Unless, of course, it isn't)
It takes a village … to keep an eye on my kids / to keep my kids in line.
It took way more than a village to raise this kid!
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word!
It's not nagging when I'm ALWAYS RIGHT.
It's not the weekend unless there's conflict!
It's so exhausting being fabulous!
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
- Yogi Berra
It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
The JOYS of parenthood? (or is that an oxi-moron)
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Just a few clowns short of a circus.
Just be happy I'm not a twin!
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.
Keep filling that cake/pie hole.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Let's hope intelligent life exists in space. I'm so lonely here.
Life is all about how you handle plan B.
Life is too short to wear panty hose.
Life is too short to worry about how short life is.
Life is tough, but it's tougher when your stupid.
Life's not fair … get used to it.
A legend in his own mind.
Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Money doesn't buy class.
My doctor says I'm in the first stages of Fossilization.
National Sarcastic Society - like we really need your support!
Never go to bed mad. Stay a wake to plot your revenge!!
Never miss a good chance to SHUT UP!
No matter how overcast the day, there's always room for one more black cloud.
Nobody gets in to see the wizard; not nobody; not no how!
Nobody notices what I do … until I don't do it.
Normal around here is just a setting on the dryer.
Not Perfect … but so close it scares me.
Obey Gravity - It's the LAW!
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight;
because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced.
Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.
- Ann Landers
One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Optimist: The glass is HALF full!
Pessimist: The glass is HALF empty!
Engineer: The glass is TWICE the size it needs to be!
A penny saved is a government oversight.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
- David H. Comins
Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
Please Go Fascinate Someone Else!
PMS means purchase more shoes.
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy,
the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
- Ann Landers
Remember, to the outside world we are a normal family.
Sanity is on back order… Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.
Sarcasm: just one more service I render.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Speak the truth but leave immediately afterward.
A simple way to measure a country is to look at how many want in …
and how many want out.
- Tony Blair (b. 1953 Prime Minister of England)
Slightly used, but in good condition
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some hire PR officers.
- Daniel J. Boorstin
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
Some day my ship will come in. I'm sure I'll be waiting at the airport.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Some days you are the top dog and other days you're the hydrant.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge… others just gargle
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.
When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- George Carlin
Some see the glass as half empty; others see the glass as half full.
I just want to know who is drinking my drink/beer?!
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
SS-DD → same stuff [usually an (sh…) expletive] different day
SD- DS → same day - different stuff
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of.
- Burt Bacharach
Tell us what you really think!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it …
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist
- Mark Twain
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
- Thomas Brackett Reed
This job is a test. It is only a test.
Had It been an actual job, you would have received bonuses, raises,
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Too much month at the end of the money
Too much time on my hands.
The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
Use the best: Linux for servers * Mac for graphics * Palm for mobility *
Windows for solitaire
Viewer discretion advised.
Was your head with you all day today?
- Bill Cosby
We can't all be heroes… Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as the parade goes by.
- Will Rogers
We're all quite mad here… you'll fit right in.
We're off like a herd of turtle.
Well, aren't we just a stinkin' ray of sunshine!
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
What a day/month/year I am having!
What's it to ya?
The What's it to Ya Chorus, by
a parody of The Hallelujah Chorus,
is one of the funniest things I've ever heard.
Too bad I can't (legally) offer you a free download.
What ever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed!
What part of Y'all Don't you Understand??
What Washington needs is adult supervision.
- Barack Obama
What we need is a patch for human stupidity.
What WERE you thinking/smoking???
When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school,
It's a wonder I can think at all.
- Paul Simon
When I want your opinion … I will give it to you.
When I want your opinion … I'll rattle your cage.
When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.
- Yogi Berra
Whoop the fricken do!
A mix of whoop-di-do and who cares.
I first saw this on a satirical birthday card.
"Ok, it's your birthday.
Whoop the fricken do."
Why be only difficult, with a little effort you can be impossible.
Windows Tech Support: 1) Restart Program 2) Reboot computer 3)
Reinstall Windows 4) Buy a new computer 5) Install Linux!
Working hard, or hardly working?
(man lying on the couch or hammock)
The world would be a better place were there not so many people striving to improve it.
- Olavo de Carvalho
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
- Winston Churchill
You can agree with me or you can be wrong!
You can't stay young forever, But you can be immature for the rest of your life.
You don't have to say that I am right, it is enough to say that I have spoken.
You must understand … there are some things that you will NEVER understand.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others …
they are more screwed up than you think.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
You've got to be kidding!
Your choice to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
Your credit score: Those three little numbers … can have a six-digit impact on your life.
- Phil Tirone, an expert in residential home financing