Are
you a bad side effect of my medication?
Artificial
intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
At
20 years of age the WILL reigns, at 30 the WIT, and at 40 the
JUDGEMENT. -- Benjamin
Franklin (1706-1790 Printer, Inventor, Scientist, Writer,
Statesman of the First Continental Congress-PA, Diplomat)
At
my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot.
Be
nice or I'll have to talk about you when I'm on Oprah!
The
beaten path is the safest, but the traffic is terrible. -- Jeff
Taylor (founder of Monster.com)
Bills
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A
billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in
one of its releases:
-A billion seconds ago it was 1960.
-A
billion minutes ago Jesus was alive
-A billion hours ago our
ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
-A billion dollars
only lasts 5 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends
it.
Boldly
going nowhere!
By
the time I could talk ... I was ordered to listen. -
Cat Stevens (song writer,performer )
By
the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
A
cluttered desk is a sign of genius. A clean desk is the sign of
a sick mind.
Careful
or you'll end up in my novel.
Careful
or I'll be complaining about you on Oprah.
Children
is the gift God gives you, then he steps back and laughs.
Comedy
is simply a funny way of being serious. -- Peter
Ustinov (1929-2004 British born and raised, Oscar winning actor
1960 +1964, writer, director, dramatist and raconteur.)
Danger: Men
thinking
Dear
Dorothy,
Hate Oz!! Took the shoes!
Find your own way
home!!!!
-- Toto - Wizard Of Oz reference
Desperately
Searching For An/My Next Enabler
DNA
is life ... the rest is just matter.
Don't
get your knickers in a twist.
Don't
get your tinsel in a tangle.
Don't
interrupt me while I'm talking to myself.
Don't
let your mind wander ... it's too small to be out on it's own.
Don't
like my attitude
Don't
make me call out the flying monkeys! - Wizard Of Oz
reference
Don't
make me go all NINJA on you!
Don't
worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz (1922-2000
Cartoonist of "Peanuts" for 50 years)
Everyone
has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film or their
card is full.
Fred
Astaire was great, but Ginger Rogers did everything he did,
backwards and in high heels.
Future
benefits result from hard work
Laziness has immediate results
today.
Give
a man an inch and he'll think he's a ruler.
God
Blesses this house but he doesn't clean it.
Good
morning, let the stress begin.
Good
Morning! This is God. I will be handing all your problems today.
I don't want you to worry; so have a good day!!
Having
a bad hair day???
He
isn't on his way anywhere, hasn't been for years. -
(movie:"Father Goose")
Hukt
awn fonix wurkt fur mee!
I
am soooo not listening.
I
child proofed my home, but somehow they keep getting in!
I
did the math and I'm still confused.
I
didn't order this/that!
I
don't do mornings
I
don't need your insults... I get them at home.
I
don't remember anyone saying, Gee, that sounds like a great
idea, but let's run it passed a 15 year old first.
I
had some words with my wife - she had some paragraphs with me!
I
have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a
disgrace,
that two men are called a law firm, and that three
or more are called a congress. - John Adams (from
the musical "1776")
I
haven't been quite right since they took my blankie away.
I
need a life couch ... life is just not working for me.
I
take life with a grain of salt...
A wedge of lime and a shot
of Tequila.
I
read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are;
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. --- Are
they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
I
used to care but I take a pill for that now.
I
was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has
always seemed to me the most civilized music in the world. --
Peter Ustinov
(1929-2004 Oscar winning actor in 1960 +1964, writer, director,
dramatist and raconteur.)
I
wasn't born a princess, but if the Tiara fits?
I'd
love to help you out!
Which way did you come in?!
I'll
give you something to talk about.
I'll
try to be nicer ... if you try to be smarter.
I'm
a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll world.
I'm
not always right ... but I'm NEVER wrong
I'm
not anti-social ... I'm just not user friendly.
I'm
not Bossy; I just know what everyone should be doing.
I'm
not driving badly ... I'm just multi tasking.
I'm
not in denial!
I'm
Right! He's Wrong! End of Story!!!
I'm sick of
following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're
going and hook up with them later.
-- Mitch
Hedberg
I'm
so far behind; I won't be able to die for another 100 years.
I'm up and
dressed, what more do you want?
I've got
vision and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals. -- Paul
Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
I've got more
issues than a magazine.
If common
sense is so common, why is there so little of it? -
Mark Twain (1835-1910 pseudonym of Samuel Taylor Clemens,
speaker, reporter, writer, "Tom Sawyer"- life
satirist, American Humorist)
If I can't
fix it ... it must NOT be broken!
If the world
should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of
an expert saying it can't be done.
- Peter
Ustinov (1929-2004 Oscar winning actor in 1960 +1964, writer,
director, dramatist and raconteur.)
If you're too
open minded, your brains will fall out.
If
I had only listened to what my mother tried to tell me
all those years ago!!
Why, What did she tell you?
I
don't know!! I didn't listen!!! - Hitchhikers Guide
to the Galaxy
If
you are grouchy, irritable, annoying, or just plain mean, there
will be a $10 charge given to those who have to put up with you.
In
theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice there is. -- Yogi Berra (b.1925
Baseball Hall of Fame player NY Yankees and coach Yankees, Mets,
Astros)
Insufficient
memory at this time.
It
is what it is. (Unless, of course, it isn't)
It
took way more than a village to raise this kid!
It's
not nagging when I'm ALWAYS RIGHT.
The
JOYS of parenthood? (or is that an oxi-moron)
Junk
is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
Just
a few clowns short of a circus.
Just
because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
The
left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.
Let's
hope intelligent life exists in space. I'm so lonely here.
Life
is tough, but it's tougher when your stupid.
Life's
not fair ... get used to it.
A
legend in his own mind.
Many
people have a photographic memory... some just don't have any
film.
Marriage
is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest
of your life.
My
doctor says I'm in the first stages of Fossilization.
National
Sarcastic Society like we really need your support!
Never
go to bed mad. Stay a wake to plot your revenge!!
Never
miss a good chance to SHUT UP!
Normal
around here is just a setting on the dryer.
Not
Perfect .. but so close it scares me.
Obey
Graviy – It's the LAW!